why do you still look her up?
how i rationalize my grief so i don’t have to feel it
you’re not the first to ask
maybe you have that glimmer of confusion in your eyes
you wouldn’t be the last
but today was the first time i could
put into words why i still
read her posts
scan for a crumb
maybe something has changed
maybe she’s ready to
come back
wants to know me, really this time.
(this might be one of those healing fantasies i keep reading about)
see
the first time i pressed send
felt the snip of the cut
the ghost of her grip was still
warm on my skin.
the second time was reflective
little me inside still loudly craved to be seen
so boldly the truth came out to her
quietly crushed under the weight of her silence
in a rush of words i told my mother who i am
and (to me) she had nothing to say.
maybe
ever since i can’t help but check just in case
something changes.
but why do you check on her?
that’s a good question
and i thought
for awhile
maybe it’s my reminder why she’s not ready
when i think i’m
reading too much into it
making it up
and then
for awhile
i didn’t look at all
kept a counter on my phone
almost made a year
but i just finished this book
about relationships with parents
(the difficult kind)
and something finally clicked
so now i know why
and can tell you
the reason i still check on my mother
is to distance myself from
grief stuck to my bones
see
if i don’t let myself forget why
i can talk about my grief til the moon comes home
but looking away means
letting it swallow
me
whole
for the skeletons to grab at my sleeves
and beg to spend the night.